That Girl.

I think it was only inevitable that one of my blog posts would be about the girl who i had been going out with for 10 months and knew for about nearly a year.
This whole topic or memory in my life has been something that i have been avoiding in so many different ways, my thoughts, this blog, my friends and even the girl in question.

It all started off last December. My 1st semester of college was finished and i was sitting at home in Limerick watching tv (alot of my time is spent this way when im at home!). I got a text message from my best friend and he wanted to know was i going out that night. I was reluctant at first until i heard his girlfriends friend was going to be there. I remembered seeing a few pictures of her on bebo and remember thinking to myself that she was gorgeous. After reminding myself about this I replyed to my friend saying i was up for it.

When we entered the pub, i saw my friends girlfriend sitting down at a table and then the most beautiful girl i had seen sitting beside her. She greeted me with a smile and then the drinking began. Now, at that particular pub, the music was extremely loud and there was some middle aged guy sitting between me and this girl. Eventually he fucked off and i could finally talk to this girl. From what i remember we were getting on pretty well, same interests and having a good time in each others company. Soon after that we decided to go to our usual haunt and thats when the night got interesting. We really hit it off, we had so many things in common and there was a bit of chemistry brewing. By the end of the night we made out, and when she left to go home i realised to myself that i forgot to get her phone number (slick), luckily enough she called out to me to get her number off my best friends girlfriend. Happy Days.

The next few weeks after that were amazing. I was in love. I couldn't believe that i found this girl and how lucky i was to be with her. Unfortunately as time went on, things started to deteriorate. I dont even know what happened. But i know myself that it was pretty much my fault. See i have this thing that keeps me from fulfilling my full potential. I cannot commit to anything, i am scared of commitment, absolutely petrified. It has held me back in so many relationships in the past and many other aspects in my life including my education, my intelligence, my body, my fitness, i could go on and on.

So I did what i always did. I got scared. I started to get freaked out about where this was going. I couldnt even sit back and enjoy young love, which i think everyone has had at some stage in their lives. This and along with all the other shit we were both going through at the time made the relationship rather difficult. She was stressed out from her exams, she was stressed from fighting with her parents, i was stressed from my college exams, i was sick of my shitty job. It got so bad that i couldnt enjoy her company. Its a terrible thing to say, but its the truth. I decided to myself that this wasn't working, so i said to myself that i would break up with her on the day i finished work.

I sat her down in my conservatory and told her . I will never ever forget the look on her face. Picturing it now is just bringing tears to my eyes. It was possible the worst few hours of my life. I couldnt remember the last time i had cried. Probably when my mother past away when i was 10 years old. I couldnt stop crying when i broke up with her. Because it was at that moment that it really kicked in with what i was actually doing. I would never ever hold her again, i would never kiss or hug her again, my brain just could not compute all of this shit. So the only thing i could do was cry, and it was one of the most strangest experiences of my life. All this raw emotion coming out of me, i could actually feel it leaving my body, but it just kept coming back. After a while she left and it had been done. I just broke up with the girl who i loved so much. I told my Dad beforehand what i was planning to do, he had his doubts but because my Dad loves me he told me that he would support any decision i had to make. When my Dad came home from work that evening, i hugged him coming in the door and cried into his shoulder for about 30 minutes, i just couldnt stop. I was letting go the girl of my dreams, what the fuck was i doing?

We got back together the day after that. We both had a long talk with each other. And we both got alot of shit out in the open which made me feel better about the whole thing. We agreed that we would just take it easy and see how it goes. It was perfect.

The relationship was as strong as ever. Unfortunately things in my life began to unravel towards the end of the Summer. Some things i dont really wont to discuss on this blog because they are extremely private but fuck it. My brother moved away to New Zealand to be with his daughter and to start a new life. My Dad will be retiring soon and will be heading to that part of the world when he is ready. I myself know that im going to Australia next year for about half a year at least. It was this time that i actually had a long look at my life, what i wanted to do and where i wanted to be. My family is the most important thing to me (My Father and Brother). They are the most important things to me in my life, i would do anything for them. I came to the decision that i wanted to be wherever they will be. When i finished this degree i want to go to New Zealand or at least continue my studies down there. Unfortunately, there was no room for my girlfriend in this plan of mine. She still has another four years of college left, she says she doesnt want to leave Ireland, she wants to settle here and if she is moving away it will be for her future job which is most likely going to be in North America. Our paths are both going two very different ways and it killed me to realise that this wasn't going to work. The girl of my dreams, the girl who i thanked god every day for having was no longer going to be apart of my life and it was me who had to tell her the glorious news.......

Of course she was shocked. I told her that we would break up when i go back to college, and i told her this a few weeks before college began. Things werent that bad, she was upset but she accepted it, and I dont think she will ever realise how much i appreciate that. Anyway, we spent alot of time with each other in those last few days together, weekends away, stuff like that. It was difficult to say the least, knowing that it will end soon enough.

The day came, she came with me to dublin and moved into my new apartment. It was a strange and emotional day.
I wanted to remain best friends, she was uncertain.

The way the situation is now. Im pretty sure she wants to erase me out of her life completely. Its pretty tough to take. Knowing that someone who loved you with all their heart for the past 10 months wants nothing to do with you. This is also an indication to how much i have hurt her. The fact that she cannot handle being friends with me and has to competley ignore me just shows the pain i have caused her and its hurting me so much to realise this.

I havent been in contact with her for at least 3 weeks now. I tried texting her, no reply. I have seen her out a few saturday nights back in Limerick but i cannot muster up the strength to say hello, maybe im just a coward.

Im finishing up this post now, with this framed picture of her staring at me with her beautiful smile and her sparkling eyes. I know i've made the right decision, I just hope the pain goes away sooner rather than later.

Till next time.

Sean.

Alcohol + Women = Good Times or Embarassing Times.

Thursday and Friday have been a very interesting and eventful two days. It all started off with a party that I hosted on Thursday night. I've noticed a slightly worrying trend with the way I act when im drinking and I think it all due to the fact that I am drinking way too much and way too quickly. You would of seen from the earlier blog entry that I was quite ashamed of my behaviour from the party I was at on Tuesday night. Now I wasn't behaving like an asshole on Thursday night but unfortunately I was in a very drunken state. As the night wore on, I was very slow to react to different things and it was if I was on another planet. I didn’t notice when people were talking to me, I didn’t cop on to sarcasm coming my way and my efforts to impress the opposite sex were quite laughable. Before this college year, whenever I was drinking, I was drunk but I was always aware of what was going on around me and never that stereotypical person at a party who has had one too many. I seriously need to change my outlook on drinking and definitely must try to cut down on the amount of alcohol I put into my body.
Anyway I woke up the next morning and my room mates had already gone home and I must admit I felt quite lonely and ashamed. Not the best way to be feeling when you have an unsettled stomach and a pounding headache. Anyway I relaxed that day and eventually made my way to Maynooth where im staying with my cousins for the bank holiday weekend. I arrived and met my cousin who I would regard as one of my best friends, he told me his next door neighbour was having a party to celebrate his 18th birthday. Now, the first thing the sprung to my head was this girl I knew. To cut a long story short, she is this girl I met when I was like 16 or some shit and I got pretty close to her and I would always regard her as someone who I could always come to if I ever needed to talk or whatever. Anyway around that time I was crazy about her and it had been two years since I seen her last. I never really thought much about her as in the past two years I had alot going on in my life, Leaving Cert, starting college, working and a string of relationships. This girl is two years younger than me, im 19 and she is 17, the girl is like no one else I’ve met before, she is funny, smart, beautiful and she has this charm that is pretty irresistible. Now it happened that I texted her as she is friends with the people at this party . She told me she forgot about that party and that she couldn't make it as she didn’t have a lift. Saying that I was disappointed would be a complete understatement. However I received a text message from her about a half hour later stating that she is on her way. Obviously, my heart started to beat uncontrollably, with so many thoughts going through my head. It was great when I saw her, and she is as gorgeous as ever. Anyway she wasn’t drinking as she was driving and like I said earlier in this post, my behaviour and social awareness began to diminish. My cousin wouldn’t stop hassling me about her, telling me that I should try my luck and all this shit. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do but all I know was that I was sickened when she had to leave and the mood I was in turned from happy drunk to grumpy drunk. That said, I left the party soon after that and sent her a stupid text message about how I still love her and shit (Another stupid thing that i've done due to my drinking.) Anyway I woke up this morning and apologised for anything that I said, she was cool and told me not to worry about it. Anyway I hope I keep in contact with her and that it wont be 2 years until I see her again.

Anyway to the present! At the moment im just chilling in my cousins house for the long weekend and having withdrawal symptoms from the lack of internet! (It's actually killing me). Its Saturday afternoon that im writing this post and hopefully I will get it uploaded as soon as I can.
Till next time.

Sean.

Stupid, idiotic, ignorant and foolish......

.....are probably the best ways to describe my behaviour last night.

My friend was having a house party out in the leafy dublin area of donnybrook. I wasnt even going to go but all of a sudden i just got up and was on my way. I bought my booze in town and got the 46a to donnybrook. When i arrived i met my friend who already seemed to be a bit tipsy. I went into the house expecting to see a party in full swing but there were only 5 people there. I was introduced and i was already thinking that i was out of my depth. These people are what you would call posh, and slightly full of themselves. The house in question was owned my friends housemate, her parents have quite a number of propertys throughout dublin apparently......Anyway i could see i was bit of the odd one out after been introduced, i think they were hoping i was joking when i told them i was living in student accomadation in ballymun....

About an hour had passed and i was well on my way through my shoulder of vodka, i was having a pretty crap time and was thinking of leaving until my two friends from secondary school in Limerick showed up and my prayers had been answered, so i thought.
The drinks were flowing after that and i must admit i was pretty drunk. The party was pretty packed and it was around this time that my behaviour started dwindle.
My two limerick friends were acting the bollox, i.e breaking tiles and ripping radiators out of the walls. At the time i was thinking it was hilarious and i then partook in my own idiotic shenanigans such as "accidentally " breaking glasses and spitting everywhere . I really hate this kind of behaviour and i look down upon greatly which is why im so ashamed and suprised at myself.
It sad to think that at my age peer pressure can still get to me, its probably the only explanation i can come up with for doing the things i did.

As always my conscience kicked in (eventually) and i told my good friend who was hosting the party what was going on and who was smashing tiles and ripping radiators out of walls. Unfortunately in my drunken state, i didnt realise that one of the persons doing these things was right behind me when i was squeeling on him. Yup....i got caught red handed! He didnt seem to be too mad at me, but he wouldnt let it go the fact that i was telling on him. I felt pretty guilty about this and as usual i didnt have the balls to tell him that he shouldn't of been acting like a prick in the first place.

Eventually the party started to die down and i got to bed at 4am. Woke up at 8am and i started walking into town to get a bus out to DCU. I wasn't really able to walk straight and it was here when i realised that i was still really drunk. I then continued to fall out of the Spar opposite trinity college, (never got so many dirty looks in my life i dont think). I eventually made it to college and was greeted by my chemistry lecturer in the hallway. He must of known from the lost expression on my face that i didnt have a clue where my lecture was on. He then directed me to the appropriate lecture hall and I fell asleep for 40 minutes. After my little nap, myself and the people i hang around with in college decided to go to the canteen (the usual place we hang out if we have to wait around for a lecture). It was there i realised how tired and drunk i still was and that i could sense a hangover kicking in. I also stank of stale alcohol and i must of looked like a right state. So instead of hanging around and further embarrasing myself in front of my group of friends, I picked up my bag and got the hell out of there, made no goodbyes, I wasnt really in the mood for another joke about the mental state i was in .

Hmmmm.......I think i should of stayed in last night.....

Employment!

I didnt even realise how long it has been since i last updated this blog, i suppose i have been busy with alot of things, mainly trying to get a job for the christmas period, as i am seriously broke and i need to start saving money.
We all know the global economy is taking a down turn but you dont really realise it until you experience getting turned down for jobs left right and centre. Even this time last year i remember seeing jobs being advertised everywhere but its really not the case this time around. I've applyed for a couple of jobs which i doubt i will get due to a lack of experience working in the required field. The thing is, employers now have such a choice of applicants that all they have to do is pick the creme de la creme. For example, ive applyed for a few jobs in pubs but i doubt ill get them because all they want is people who have had the required experience. Before you could easily try your luck and at least get called for an interview which you would have the chance to impress in and get the job. Not anymore.

Thats the one thing im hoping out for. I think i have quite an outgoing personality, im polite and talkative, so if i get an interview then i know i can nail it and they wont be able to resist my charm and they will have to hire me :D . Maybe im being a little bit hopeful here but its the only thing that making me feel better about the whole situation!

Anyway, I better get go, i have people harassing me on msn and i must eat!

Till' next time !

Sean.

Environment.......who cares?!

I do.

Just to let everyone know. Im studying an environmental science & health degree at the moment and im currently in my second year of study.

I've always cared about the environment since i was younger and i have always been sickened to see people abusing our wonderful and beautiful earth. Now there seems to be an attitude in this country that it doesn't matter how they treat the environment because it wont affect them in the future as they will know longer exist on this planet. I think this is the most ignorant way of thinking as it will affect people in the future which includes our children, grandchildren and future generations.
Alot of people regard environmentalists, environmental scientists or "tree huggers" as they are sometimes referred to as idiots who are wasting their time with something that does not matter.
I for one believe in doing a good deed towards someone or in this case something should have that good deed repayed. Its just common courtesy and manners. This also applys to the environment.
I have clean air to breathe, clean water to drink, places where i can enjoy natural beauty, recreational places which i enjoy (the sea, ocean, river etc) and most importantly we get so much of our food from our environment. Now why do people see it is acceptable to abuse all these things? Mother nature is giving us all these wonderful things, then why do people stab her in the back?

Today as part of my degree, my class went to the Avoca River in Co.Wicklow to take water samples which will be tested for all sorts of pollution in the coming months. I found it really interesting and it would be a field of work which i would consider in the future. Anyway it was really hard work. I think environmental scientists deserve more respect and admiration for the work that they do. Today i only got a small taste of the work they have to do and i must admit it was very tough. It was raining hard all day and very windy, i had to stand in freezing cold water to take water samples and by the end of the day i was soaked to my skin. Do I mind? Not really, its what i love to do and i hope what im doing will benefit some people in one way or another.

Now it doesnt take alot of effort to actually find the sort of pollution that is going on in our rivers.
As you can see from the above picture (which my friend is posing in :D) there is a drain pipe which has been there for a long time and is pouring in god knows what into the river. The brown colour you see is not from the pipe however and was actually caused by the heavy rain which burst the nearby river bank and caused all sorts of material and compounds to pour into the river and cause harm to the river.

Now you may all think this is just a random hippy rant or something, but its something which i care alot about. The environment needs our respect and i think we should all do our best to improve and make it a better place for all of us to live in.

If we dont....then things will most likely get worse and our world will be a tough place to live in.

Getting people to realise this is the real battle.

Strange Times.

Alot of strange things have happened to me in the past few days. Most of them being bad. First of all on thursday night, i got pretty close to this girl who i would of always regard as one my my best friends and would see her as more of a sister than someone who i would be interested in physically.She probably didnt think it was a big deal (all we did was sleep in my bed) but im pretty sure there was some chemistry there that we were both trying to ignore. However she is just out of a very long relationship as am I. Maybe its just natural that these feelings come about because you realise that you are actually both single and that its quite possible that something could happen. Anyway it will be interesting to see where this goes, i still havent decided if i want to pursue her. I doubt i will, because its one of those girls where if i was to get involved then it would have to be a relationship which i am most definetly not ready to commit to yet as i have just gotten out of a long and serious relationship which has affected me alot emotionally.

So with these thoughts on my mind about the night before, i would have no idea of what was to happen over the coming weekend. Driving to college on friday morning (pretty hungover at that), i didnt park in the most smart position, so DCU decided to clamp my poor little car and give me a hefty 80 euro fine in the process.....Cheers.
After this lecture(which i really regret going to by the way) i got ready to go home to Limerick, picked up two of my friends and we hit the road. The rain was pretty heavy that day, and i took my eye off the road for a split second to look at petrol prices, next thing i know my friend Conor shouts my name, and then BANG. I rear ended this car who broke suddenly right in front of me.
I have never felt so strange when this happened, so many thoughts are running through your head such as, "are the people in my car ok?", "is the woman in the car in front of me ok?", "how much damage has been done to my car and hers",and the most dominant one "Did this actually just happen?" All of these go through your head in the matter of seconds and its quite scary and overwhelming. To cut a long story short, there wasnt any damage to her but she qas complaining of a pain in her neck, shit. My car was pretty fucked but i drove on home anyway. She still hasn't rang to let me know what the craic is and im not sure if that is a good or a bad sign.

On the way home i got a text message from my friend Dave, as i was in the car i wasnt able to read it fully and i told myself i would read it later.
The next day i got a phonecall from a very good friend of mine, and he said straight away to me "Did you get Dave's text message? " i could hear the emotion and quiver in his voice and i knew something bad had happened. I soon found out that a friend of ours from DCU was involved in a hit and run in Budapest a few days back and she had now passed away, (RIP Aoife).
It really put things in perspective, she was just like all of us, young, free spirited and looking forward to her whole life in front of her. It could of been any of us, and it is sad to think that people who do not know her will just say that was sad and move on in their life not cherishing or knowing how good their life is and how grateful they should be in the position they are in . It really was an eye opener for, it made me feel more grateful for all the things i have today.

I've just after realising how long this blog post is so i should wrap it up soon.

I then found out that weekend that my brother who i love very much is applying to be a citizen of New Zealand is more than likely never to be coming home. The thing about this is that it just didnt suprise me. I was quite upset about this news but i think I always knew deep down that this was going to be the case. However i know i will see him over the coming years as i feel my life will bring to that part of the world .

All of these contrasting emotions and feelings are making me feel pretty down but putting them into this blog is making me feel alot better, so it seems the personal objective of this blog is working .

I must get some food and clean this filthy apartment, until next time....

Seán

The beginning of something special.....

Thinking of the title of my blog took some time, and i think its the perfect way to describe this blog.

I am what you would call an average guy, but does that make my blog any less interesting than the most exciting and eccentric of people? Of course not. I believe that the inner feelings and thoughts of any person are as interesting, entertaining and compelling than any book, movie or tv show.

The main reason im starting this blog is because i think that getting your own thoughts and feelings down on paper(or in this case the interweb) is something that will make you feel so much better and can relieve alot of stress.

Take my case for example, alot of shit has happened in my life that has affected me and made me who I am today, all these thoughts in your head can be overwhelming and can cause you alot of stress (i know it does in my case), so by beginning this blog i hope that all of the stuff that is happening or has happened in my life will somewhat make more sense to me and that i will be able to deal with it better without going insane.

My inspiration to begin this blog came from a very good friend who began his blog earlier this year and i saw myself how it made him feel better and how much enjoyment i got from reading it. I hope that other people will read my blog and find it interesting but overall im doing this for me, to make me feel better and to deal with my problems in a more clear and better way.

Anyway, i hope this isnt something i will get bored about after a while and forget about. As i have serious issues with commiting to stuff which will most likely be discussed in this blog in the future.

Anyway, i better get some rest for college tomorrow and as the title of this post says, i hope this is the beginning of something special.

Sean.