That Girl.

I think it was only inevitable that one of my blog posts would be about the girl who i had been going out with for 10 months and knew for about nearly a year.
This whole topic or memory in my life has been something that i have been avoiding in so many different ways, my thoughts, this blog, my friends and even the girl in question.

It all started off last December. My 1st semester of college was finished and i was sitting at home in Limerick watching tv (alot of my time is spent this way when im at home!). I got a text message from my best friend and he wanted to know was i going out that night. I was reluctant at first until i heard his girlfriends friend was going to be there. I remembered seeing a few pictures of her on bebo and remember thinking to myself that she was gorgeous. After reminding myself about this I replyed to my friend saying i was up for it.

When we entered the pub, i saw my friends girlfriend sitting down at a table and then the most beautiful girl i had seen sitting beside her. She greeted me with a smile and then the drinking began. Now, at that particular pub, the music was extremely loud and there was some middle aged guy sitting between me and this girl. Eventually he fucked off and i could finally talk to this girl. From what i remember we were getting on pretty well, same interests and having a good time in each others company. Soon after that we decided to go to our usual haunt and thats when the night got interesting. We really hit it off, we had so many things in common and there was a bit of chemistry brewing. By the end of the night we made out, and when she left to go home i realised to myself that i forgot to get her phone number (slick), luckily enough she called out to me to get her number off my best friends girlfriend. Happy Days.

The next few weeks after that were amazing. I was in love. I couldn't believe that i found this girl and how lucky i was to be with her. Unfortunately as time went on, things started to deteriorate. I dont even know what happened. But i know myself that it was pretty much my fault. See i have this thing that keeps me from fulfilling my full potential. I cannot commit to anything, i am scared of commitment, absolutely petrified. It has held me back in so many relationships in the past and many other aspects in my life including my education, my intelligence, my body, my fitness, i could go on and on.

So I did what i always did. I got scared. I started to get freaked out about where this was going. I couldnt even sit back and enjoy young love, which i think everyone has had at some stage in their lives. This and along with all the other shit we were both going through at the time made the relationship rather difficult. She was stressed out from her exams, she was stressed from fighting with her parents, i was stressed from my college exams, i was sick of my shitty job. It got so bad that i couldnt enjoy her company. Its a terrible thing to say, but its the truth. I decided to myself that this wasn't working, so i said to myself that i would break up with her on the day i finished work.

I sat her down in my conservatory and told her . I will never ever forget the look on her face. Picturing it now is just bringing tears to my eyes. It was possible the worst few hours of my life. I couldnt remember the last time i had cried. Probably when my mother past away when i was 10 years old. I couldnt stop crying when i broke up with her. Because it was at that moment that it really kicked in with what i was actually doing. I would never ever hold her again, i would never kiss or hug her again, my brain just could not compute all of this shit. So the only thing i could do was cry, and it was one of the most strangest experiences of my life. All this raw emotion coming out of me, i could actually feel it leaving my body, but it just kept coming back. After a while she left and it had been done. I just broke up with the girl who i loved so much. I told my Dad beforehand what i was planning to do, he had his doubts but because my Dad loves me he told me that he would support any decision i had to make. When my Dad came home from work that evening, i hugged him coming in the door and cried into his shoulder for about 30 minutes, i just couldnt stop. I was letting go the girl of my dreams, what the fuck was i doing?

We got back together the day after that. We both had a long talk with each other. And we both got alot of shit out in the open which made me feel better about the whole thing. We agreed that we would just take it easy and see how it goes. It was perfect.

The relationship was as strong as ever. Unfortunately things in my life began to unravel towards the end of the Summer. Some things i dont really wont to discuss on this blog because they are extremely private but fuck it. My brother moved away to New Zealand to be with his daughter and to start a new life. My Dad will be retiring soon and will be heading to that part of the world when he is ready. I myself know that im going to Australia next year for about half a year at least. It was this time that i actually had a long look at my life, what i wanted to do and where i wanted to be. My family is the most important thing to me (My Father and Brother). They are the most important things to me in my life, i would do anything for them. I came to the decision that i wanted to be wherever they will be. When i finished this degree i want to go to New Zealand or at least continue my studies down there. Unfortunately, there was no room for my girlfriend in this plan of mine. She still has another four years of college left, she says she doesnt want to leave Ireland, she wants to settle here and if she is moving away it will be for her future job which is most likely going to be in North America. Our paths are both going two very different ways and it killed me to realise that this wasn't going to work. The girl of my dreams, the girl who i thanked god every day for having was no longer going to be apart of my life and it was me who had to tell her the glorious news.......

Of course she was shocked. I told her that we would break up when i go back to college, and i told her this a few weeks before college began. Things werent that bad, she was upset but she accepted it, and I dont think she will ever realise how much i appreciate that. Anyway, we spent alot of time with each other in those last few days together, weekends away, stuff like that. It was difficult to say the least, knowing that it will end soon enough.

The day came, she came with me to dublin and moved into my new apartment. It was a strange and emotional day.
I wanted to remain best friends, she was uncertain.

The way the situation is now. Im pretty sure she wants to erase me out of her life completely. Its pretty tough to take. Knowing that someone who loved you with all their heart for the past 10 months wants nothing to do with you. This is also an indication to how much i have hurt her. The fact that she cannot handle being friends with me and has to competley ignore me just shows the pain i have caused her and its hurting me so much to realise this.

I havent been in contact with her for at least 3 weeks now. I tried texting her, no reply. I have seen her out a few saturday nights back in Limerick but i cannot muster up the strength to say hello, maybe im just a coward.

Im finishing up this post now, with this framed picture of her staring at me with her beautiful smile and her sparkling eyes. I know i've made the right decision, I just hope the pain goes away sooner rather than later.

Till next time.

Sean.