College, Work, Attempt Study, Sleep..........Repeat.

This is basically whats been happening in my life in the past few weeks.

My first semester of college is drawing to a close, there are only two weeks left and its pretty crazy how quickly time has passed. It only seems like yesterday that i was starting college all over again.
I have been getting my act together slightly in the past few weeks in terms of my college work . I handed in a kick ass assignment for atmospheric physics last week and hopefully i will get near enough to full marks for it. This just shows that i can do these assignments if i put my mind to it and give it the required time. I have printed out nearly all my notes for all my lectures, there all in their respective binders and are each enclosed in a neat, clear polypocket. Now thats organisation! I have actually never done something like that before and its good to know that i have access to all this material anytime i please and that its not a case of looking through crumpled up sheets of paper which is basically what i had been doing for as far back as i can remember. My exams are coming up at the end of January so i have plenty of time to study and to achieve what i want from these exams. Im not out of the woods yet however. Lab reports are definetly the next thing on my agenda. We have one environmental chemistry lab once a week and for each lab we much write up a report for it, about 5 pages long usually. I have bits and pieces done of each one and they dont have to be handed up until the end of the semester (as far as i know), this is all we are getting graded on for the labs, which is pretty cool as last year we had to do a lab exam which actually involved testing of my knowledge of chemistry!! Nice to be able to dodge that bullet this year (so far anyway :P). Its pretty much a guaranteed 70% or over mark if i actually sit down and put efforts into these lab reports and to make sure that they are as flawless as possible. Hopefully I will do that and i will be on my way.

Im well into the swing of things in terms of my job. I must admit the first few days of working were pretty rough as there are so many things that you have to remember and you are constantly working under pressure due to the fact that it is only 2 weeks away from christmas. Im working in the womens section which is the busiest part of the store and im working at the tills. It is really tough work i must admit. At the beginning it was just terrible. Trying to remember all the different procedures for cash payments, payments my credit card/laser card, payments by all the different kinds of vouchers, the printing of gift receipts, returning items, exchanging items, refunding customers, it goes on and on and on.....was extremely difficult. Im in my third week now i think and its only now that im getting the hang of it. However i am glad that im working where i am, as it will give me very good retail exeperience as River Island is one of the biggest names in the retail and fashion business. Also i will be qualified to work behind tills and this will be a big advantage to me in terms of future employment.
I have had some issues with my job so far. Yesterday is a very good example. I nearly got fired! Basically i thought i was working from 1-5, unfortunately i got a phone call about 12pm from my manager wondering why i wasnt in work and that i was schedueled to be working from 9am to 1pm. I told her that i was on my way in for my 1-5 shift and that i was certain that this was the shift i was meant to be working. She said she will check it out properly when i get in. So i got in about quarter past 12, met with the manager and we checked the roster.....FUCK...it said 9-1......how the hell did i get that wrong? The roster had not been changed, it was entirely my fuck up. Now the funny thing is that this had already happened before. But thankfully they didnt think much of it due to the fact that i was new. Anyway this time i could sense some anger from my usually friendly and kind manager. Now she isnt the kind to get pissed off and i could tell from the way she was talking to me that she was trying her best not to crucify me. Anyway she told me that i could work that day from 1-5 (as i incorrectly thought. ) Which was really nice of her as it would of been so embarrasing for me not to work that day at all as all the other staff would probably know how i fucked up so bad and how much of an idiot i was. Anyway i went to get a coffee and smoke several cigarettes. My head was fucked up, i just couldnt believe how stupid i was and how i let that happen. Had very little confidence in myself at that stage. It definetly showed through my work that day.....I kept fucking up! Pressing wrong buttons everywhere! Argh! We were extremely busy that day as it was a saturday and its the run up to christmas. Eventually my shift was finished and i got the fuck out of there. I was just so angry after it, seriously had not been in a bad mood in such a long time (and the fact that i found out Newcastle through away a 2-0 lead against Stoke didnt help my mood). I went home, ate a pizza, watched some tv and hit the hay eventually.
I woke up this morning in a slightly better mood and went to work straight away, i had a shift from 12-4. It went pretty well, again we were extremely busy but i didnt fuck up and i walked out of that place with my head held high (also repeating to myself that i am working wednesday and friday 6-10 both days :P)

So that pretty much my work life at the moment. Trying to study in between going to college, working and sleeping is proving rather difficult as college and work both take alot out of me especially when i have to do both on the same day. However all of it giving me a better sense of accomplishment within myself and making me a prouder person because I am trying and im not sitting on my ass which is what i used to do alot before.

Writing this now is making me feel alot better about where I'm at. It is showing me what i have done and what more i can do and has to be done.

On another note my social life has taken a nose dive in recent weeks. Last time i was out was 3 weeks ago in Limerick which ended up being a pretty crap night anyway. Thankfully i went out on thursday night and it was my class party which i organised due to my duties and responsibilities as Class Rep. I had a great night and it was really fun talking to people in my class who i would usually not talk with due to the fact we all have our own groups withing our class. I also got horribly drunk! But it was good kind of drunk. I did feel like shit the next day but it was worth it as i had a great night and i think i deserved to have a good time.

I suppose i might aswel include an update on my love life in this post. There is none :D
Now and again it gets me down and im slightly worried as usually there isnt a problem in this department but i know myself not to get too concerned about it. I know myself that im not looking for any relationship at this stage in my life and i have more important things to be doing than getting involved in one of those things again. However i wouldnt mind the odd bit of woman here or there, keep me sane anyway :P

Thats all i can really think of right now thats going on in my life. There is also the possibility of doing a J1 next summer but i will discuss that in another post. Anyway id like to apoligise to anyone who reads this blog that i havent been posting as much as i used to but i am definetly going to try and address that issue in the future.

Till Next Time.

Sean.

Be the best person you can be

What does that actually mean ?

You always here this phrase from so many different places and people.

Lately i've been thinking alot about this and what it actually means.

I think that to be the best person you can be means that you should achieve things that you want, things that you can stride for and things that will make you a better person.

In the past 6 months or so, i must say i have not been achieving the things i want or the things that could make me a better person. Most of my time these days is spent sitting on my ass doing sweet fuck all. Its pretty sad in a way to be honest. My lazyness has always been a thing that has stopped be from achieving my full potential and my inability to commit to things is also a factor in this.

Of late, i have been trying to address some issues. Some of the things that i want to stride towards include, having a better diet, cut down on smoking, start studying, getting more exercise, get a job and learn the guitar or another musical instrument.

I think if i could achieve these things then i would be a much happier person, however is achieving all these things possible? Is it just too much to do ? I hope not because i hope that i can do all these things and that they will make a better and happier person.

I am trying to get my act together. For example i have a job over the christmas period, i put alot of effort into trying to find a job and i got it. This should be a kick up the arse to me because i now should be able to realise that if i put effort into something then it will pay dividends. Im happy that i have this job because i want to start saving some money. I hate asking my Dad for money, he never complains, in fact he is always asking if i need any money. He told me recently that i shouldnt feel gulity about asking me for money...but i do, im pretty much an adult now and i have to start acting like one. Ive talking enough money off that man in recent years and i finally think that enough is enough. I also got a job over the next two days working in DCU for the open days, i get paid about 100 euro for telling little secondary school students where to find certain buildings on campus and my opinions and experiences of DCU life so far. Pretty sweet job if you ask me !

I hope that this will be the beginning of me getting my act together and for me to be the best person that i could be. There is alot more i want to write about this topic, but im extremely tired (not lazy) and i have to be up early tomorrow for college/work. This reminds me that the fact i have not written in this blog lately is because of my lazyness.

Anyway, hopefully i will have alot more posts on this blog as it should be an indication that im getting my act together and achieving my full potential.

Till next time.

Sean.

A Country once divided has now come together.

A Country once divided has now come together.

Barack Obama will become the 44th president of the United States of America. What can i say? It's just epic. Now I'm not one to get caught up in hype about anything but i truly believe that this will be the beginning of something special.
His road to president has been a long one. From becoming a senator, to putting himself forward as a presidential candidate and getting the backing to do so, to fighting off one of the most respected and powerful women in politics, Hillary Clinton. I think that was where the real battle was won. There was something truly special about this guy that he was able to bypass Hillary and the Clinton machine. All he had to do then was play his cards correctly and i must admit it was one of the most impressive election campaigns i have ever seen not only in the United States but around the world. Alot of people will argue that it was due to the incredible amounts of money the Obama camp had at their disposable. It is a factor but how they used that money was just incredible. They reached out to every person in the United States one way or another .

The thing i like most about Obama is that he can relate to everyone. He grew up in Hawaii and was not the most well off. He had a black father and a white mother, and at that time that sort of thing was extremely frowned upon. It was still illegal in some states of America, luckily enought they lived in Hawaii where perhaps the discrimination might not have been as bad. Not only does he have this kind of background but he also went to vist his ancestrol home of Kenya. Here he met his grandmother and distant relatives. He noticed first hand on what the 3rd world is like and i believe this will give hope to poor of the world once he becomes president in January. To me has everything going for him, he is well educated, he graduated from Harvard Law, he has travelled the world and lived in many different countries. He is an extremely talented public speaker, and he just has this style and charisma that makes the guy irresistable. I know i was glued to sky news when i watched his victory speech which took place in hometown of Chicago. It was nothing short of Amazing. He has captured the hearts and minds of the American people and even people around the world. He instills this belief into everyone that everything is going to be ok.

Now everyone is saying that this is historic because he is the first black president of the United States. Now dont get me wrong it is an incredible achievment and it shows how much that country has come along since slavery was abolished all those years ago but i think what is historic is that Barack Obama has reached out to every minority and to every person in the United States. This was not a case of Black vs White, no way. This way about everyone in the United States believing again, everyone in the United States coming together regardless of sex, sexuality, ethnicity, disability or anything like that and how everyone in that country has become one. The scenes from the cities around the country, black and white people coming together, crying into each others arms was incredible. Who thought this would of been seen 40 years ago? I will never forget the image of Jesse Jackson crying his eyes out when Obama made his speech. This truly is a historic moment.

All credit is due to John McCain. I think he is a nice man, a very proud American. However his inability to get the youth vote and the appoint of Sarah Palin as his running mate cost him dearly. Also there were some seriously bad decisions made by the republican party during the campaign that didnt help matters. I thought he was gracious in defeat and my respect for the man has increased because of that.

Now things get realistic for Obama, he has alot of tough decisions to make and alot of obstacles to overcome. The world wide recession and the state of the American economy is going to be his biggest issue. The fact that the United States is 1 trillion dollars in debt is not going to help the matter and this makes the whole situation for Obama quite difficult.As an environmental scientist I myself hope that he will take climate change seriously and not ignore it like Bush did. I for one hope that he will be a success and that he will start something special the United States and around the world. Lets just hope that Fox News dont get on his back too early and he wont be ridiculed and blamed for everything bad that occurs in his 4 years of presidency.

Barack Obama, I salute you , for what you have done to the people of this world. For instilling belief into our hearts and for restoring pride for your people and your country. I look forward to seeing you become a success.

Update on my current affairs.

Yay im writing my next blog post! About time really as i have had alot of things that i wanted to write but i've either been too lazy or too busy.

Just to keep people up to date . There was this girl i mentioned earlier in my blog, we slept in the same bed and i was pondering whether to pursue this girl or not. Well on Monday night the exact same thing happened again. It was just me and her this time, we drank vodka, smoked loads of cigarette's, watched wayne's world and listened to metal.We ended up sleeping in the same bed again, and it was fine (except for the serious lack of sleep i had from my annoying thoughts to the serious lack of room i had!) I must admit i cant remember the last time I had such a good time. We get on so well, we make each other laugh all the time and we have some sort of connection and its great. However I know myself now that me and her being together is not meant to be. I am attracted to her, dont get me wrong and I really wanted to get with her that night but now the great thing is that im not getting bogged down about it not happening. I value our great friendship and more than likely if something did happen between us it would ruin that !
She is seeing someone at the moment, not going out, just a kind of friend with benefits kind of thing and it bothered me slightly at first but now i dont really give a shit. She should enjoy herself and as long as no guy messes with her then im happy! She is over in London now to meet this guy that she met when she travelled around europe during the summer, good for her, i hope she has a great time.

At the moment I'm not getting bogged down about having not gotten with anyone (even though it been a month and a half since i've last had sex.), im happy with the way things are going and i just have to enjoy the life i'm living.
There is one thing thats annoying me however, my ex girlfriend is still blanking me. I sent her a text message saying happy birthday and that i hope she has a good night (with an x ) and all i got back was a blunt and cold 'Thank You'. Ouch. Anyway according to her bebo page she is having a great time! She seems to be enjoying the college life and seems to have many friends. Im happy for her that she is getting over me and she is enjoying herself but for some reason i still feel very bitter about it. The lack of contact is annoying me and it pisses that she is treating me as if i never existed. I feel that i've tried sufficiently to contact her, i dont think ill contact her for another while yet and hopefully next time i do I will get a reply longer than two words.

YAY I GOT A JOB INTERVIEW. About fucking time too. My job interview is on monday and i must admit im pretty nervous about it. I really need this job as i am pretty much broke and i want to start saving. Its in River Island which is one of my favourite clothes stores, so WOOP for staff discount!

Anyway thats all thats happening lately, i know there are a few more things that i have forgotten but they will be posted if im not too lazy :D

Till next time

Sean.

That Girl.

I think it was only inevitable that one of my blog posts would be about the girl who i had been going out with for 10 months and knew for about nearly a year.
This whole topic or memory in my life has been something that i have been avoiding in so many different ways, my thoughts, this blog, my friends and even the girl in question.

It all started off last December. My 1st semester of college was finished and i was sitting at home in Limerick watching tv (alot of my time is spent this way when im at home!). I got a text message from my best friend and he wanted to know was i going out that night. I was reluctant at first until i heard his girlfriends friend was going to be there. I remembered seeing a few pictures of her on bebo and remember thinking to myself that she was gorgeous. After reminding myself about this I replyed to my friend saying i was up for it.

When we entered the pub, i saw my friends girlfriend sitting down at a table and then the most beautiful girl i had seen sitting beside her. She greeted me with a smile and then the drinking began. Now, at that particular pub, the music was extremely loud and there was some middle aged guy sitting between me and this girl. Eventually he fucked off and i could finally talk to this girl. From what i remember we were getting on pretty well, same interests and having a good time in each others company. Soon after that we decided to go to our usual haunt and thats when the night got interesting. We really hit it off, we had so many things in common and there was a bit of chemistry brewing. By the end of the night we made out, and when she left to go home i realised to myself that i forgot to get her phone number (slick), luckily enough she called out to me to get her number off my best friends girlfriend. Happy Days.

The next few weeks after that were amazing. I was in love. I couldn't believe that i found this girl and how lucky i was to be with her. Unfortunately as time went on, things started to deteriorate. I dont even know what happened. But i know myself that it was pretty much my fault. See i have this thing that keeps me from fulfilling my full potential. I cannot commit to anything, i am scared of commitment, absolutely petrified. It has held me back in so many relationships in the past and many other aspects in my life including my education, my intelligence, my body, my fitness, i could go on and on.

So I did what i always did. I got scared. I started to get freaked out about where this was going. I couldnt even sit back and enjoy young love, which i think everyone has had at some stage in their lives. This and along with all the other shit we were both going through at the time made the relationship rather difficult. She was stressed out from her exams, she was stressed from fighting with her parents, i was stressed from my college exams, i was sick of my shitty job. It got so bad that i couldnt enjoy her company. Its a terrible thing to say, but its the truth. I decided to myself that this wasn't working, so i said to myself that i would break up with her on the day i finished work.

I sat her down in my conservatory and told her . I will never ever forget the look on her face. Picturing it now is just bringing tears to my eyes. It was possible the worst few hours of my life. I couldnt remember the last time i had cried. Probably when my mother past away when i was 10 years old. I couldnt stop crying when i broke up with her. Because it was at that moment that it really kicked in with what i was actually doing. I would never ever hold her again, i would never kiss or hug her again, my brain just could not compute all of this shit. So the only thing i could do was cry, and it was one of the most strangest experiences of my life. All this raw emotion coming out of me, i could actually feel it leaving my body, but it just kept coming back. After a while she left and it had been done. I just broke up with the girl who i loved so much. I told my Dad beforehand what i was planning to do, he had his doubts but because my Dad loves me he told me that he would support any decision i had to make. When my Dad came home from work that evening, i hugged him coming in the door and cried into his shoulder for about 30 minutes, i just couldnt stop. I was letting go the girl of my dreams, what the fuck was i doing?

We got back together the day after that. We both had a long talk with each other. And we both got alot of shit out in the open which made me feel better about the whole thing. We agreed that we would just take it easy and see how it goes. It was perfect.

The relationship was as strong as ever. Unfortunately things in my life began to unravel towards the end of the Summer. Some things i dont really wont to discuss on this blog because they are extremely private but fuck it. My brother moved away to New Zealand to be with his daughter and to start a new life. My Dad will be retiring soon and will be heading to that part of the world when he is ready. I myself know that im going to Australia next year for about half a year at least. It was this time that i actually had a long look at my life, what i wanted to do and where i wanted to be. My family is the most important thing to me (My Father and Brother). They are the most important things to me in my life, i would do anything for them. I came to the decision that i wanted to be wherever they will be. When i finished this degree i want to go to New Zealand or at least continue my studies down there. Unfortunately, there was no room for my girlfriend in this plan of mine. She still has another four years of college left, she says she doesnt want to leave Ireland, she wants to settle here and if she is moving away it will be for her future job which is most likely going to be in North America. Our paths are both going two very different ways and it killed me to realise that this wasn't going to work. The girl of my dreams, the girl who i thanked god every day for having was no longer going to be apart of my life and it was me who had to tell her the glorious news.......

Of course she was shocked. I told her that we would break up when i go back to college, and i told her this a few weeks before college began. Things werent that bad, she was upset but she accepted it, and I dont think she will ever realise how much i appreciate that. Anyway, we spent alot of time with each other in those last few days together, weekends away, stuff like that. It was difficult to say the least, knowing that it will end soon enough.

The day came, she came with me to dublin and moved into my new apartment. It was a strange and emotional day.
I wanted to remain best friends, she was uncertain.

The way the situation is now. Im pretty sure she wants to erase me out of her life completely. Its pretty tough to take. Knowing that someone who loved you with all their heart for the past 10 months wants nothing to do with you. This is also an indication to how much i have hurt her. The fact that she cannot handle being friends with me and has to competley ignore me just shows the pain i have caused her and its hurting me so much to realise this.

I havent been in contact with her for at least 3 weeks now. I tried texting her, no reply. I have seen her out a few saturday nights back in Limerick but i cannot muster up the strength to say hello, maybe im just a coward.

Im finishing up this post now, with this framed picture of her staring at me with her beautiful smile and her sparkling eyes. I know i've made the right decision, I just hope the pain goes away sooner rather than later.

Till next time.

Sean.

Alcohol + Women = Good Times or Embarassing Times.

Thursday and Friday have been a very interesting and eventful two days. It all started off with a party that I hosted on Thursday night. I've noticed a slightly worrying trend with the way I act when im drinking and I think it all due to the fact that I am drinking way too much and way too quickly. You would of seen from the earlier blog entry that I was quite ashamed of my behaviour from the party I was at on Tuesday night. Now I wasn't behaving like an asshole on Thursday night but unfortunately I was in a very drunken state. As the night wore on, I was very slow to react to different things and it was if I was on another planet. I didn’t notice when people were talking to me, I didn’t cop on to sarcasm coming my way and my efforts to impress the opposite sex were quite laughable. Before this college year, whenever I was drinking, I was drunk but I was always aware of what was going on around me and never that stereotypical person at a party who has had one too many. I seriously need to change my outlook on drinking and definitely must try to cut down on the amount of alcohol I put into my body.
Anyway I woke up the next morning and my room mates had already gone home and I must admit I felt quite lonely and ashamed. Not the best way to be feeling when you have an unsettled stomach and a pounding headache. Anyway I relaxed that day and eventually made my way to Maynooth where im staying with my cousins for the bank holiday weekend. I arrived and met my cousin who I would regard as one of my best friends, he told me his next door neighbour was having a party to celebrate his 18th birthday. Now, the first thing the sprung to my head was this girl I knew. To cut a long story short, she is this girl I met when I was like 16 or some shit and I got pretty close to her and I would always regard her as someone who I could always come to if I ever needed to talk or whatever. Anyway around that time I was crazy about her and it had been two years since I seen her last. I never really thought much about her as in the past two years I had alot going on in my life, Leaving Cert, starting college, working and a string of relationships. This girl is two years younger than me, im 19 and she is 17, the girl is like no one else I’ve met before, she is funny, smart, beautiful and she has this charm that is pretty irresistible. Now it happened that I texted her as she is friends with the people at this party . She told me she forgot about that party and that she couldn't make it as she didn’t have a lift. Saying that I was disappointed would be a complete understatement. However I received a text message from her about a half hour later stating that she is on her way. Obviously, my heart started to beat uncontrollably, with so many thoughts going through my head. It was great when I saw her, and she is as gorgeous as ever. Anyway she wasn’t drinking as she was driving and like I said earlier in this post, my behaviour and social awareness began to diminish. My cousin wouldn’t stop hassling me about her, telling me that I should try my luck and all this shit. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do but all I know was that I was sickened when she had to leave and the mood I was in turned from happy drunk to grumpy drunk. That said, I left the party soon after that and sent her a stupid text message about how I still love her and shit (Another stupid thing that i've done due to my drinking.) Anyway I woke up this morning and apologised for anything that I said, she was cool and told me not to worry about it. Anyway I hope I keep in contact with her and that it wont be 2 years until I see her again.

Anyway to the present! At the moment im just chilling in my cousins house for the long weekend and having withdrawal symptoms from the lack of internet! (It's actually killing me). Its Saturday afternoon that im writing this post and hopefully I will get it uploaded as soon as I can.
Till next time.

Sean.

Stupid, idiotic, ignorant and foolish......

.....are probably the best ways to describe my behaviour last night.

My friend was having a house party out in the leafy dublin area of donnybrook. I wasnt even going to go but all of a sudden i just got up and was on my way. I bought my booze in town and got the 46a to donnybrook. When i arrived i met my friend who already seemed to be a bit tipsy. I went into the house expecting to see a party in full swing but there were only 5 people there. I was introduced and i was already thinking that i was out of my depth. These people are what you would call posh, and slightly full of themselves. The house in question was owned my friends housemate, her parents have quite a number of propertys throughout dublin apparently......Anyway i could see i was bit of the odd one out after been introduced, i think they were hoping i was joking when i told them i was living in student accomadation in ballymun....

About an hour had passed and i was well on my way through my shoulder of vodka, i was having a pretty crap time and was thinking of leaving until my two friends from secondary school in Limerick showed up and my prayers had been answered, so i thought.
The drinks were flowing after that and i must admit i was pretty drunk. The party was pretty packed and it was around this time that my behaviour started dwindle.
My two limerick friends were acting the bollox, i.e breaking tiles and ripping radiators out of the walls. At the time i was thinking it was hilarious and i then partook in my own idiotic shenanigans such as "accidentally " breaking glasses and spitting everywhere . I really hate this kind of behaviour and i look down upon greatly which is why im so ashamed and suprised at myself.
It sad to think that at my age peer pressure can still get to me, its probably the only explanation i can come up with for doing the things i did.

As always my conscience kicked in (eventually) and i told my good friend who was hosting the party what was going on and who was smashing tiles and ripping radiators out of walls. Unfortunately in my drunken state, i didnt realise that one of the persons doing these things was right behind me when i was squeeling on him. Yup....i got caught red handed! He didnt seem to be too mad at me, but he wouldnt let it go the fact that i was telling on him. I felt pretty guilty about this and as usual i didnt have the balls to tell him that he shouldn't of been acting like a prick in the first place.

Eventually the party started to die down and i got to bed at 4am. Woke up at 8am and i started walking into town to get a bus out to DCU. I wasn't really able to walk straight and it was here when i realised that i was still really drunk. I then continued to fall out of the Spar opposite trinity college, (never got so many dirty looks in my life i dont think). I eventually made it to college and was greeted by my chemistry lecturer in the hallway. He must of known from the lost expression on my face that i didnt have a clue where my lecture was on. He then directed me to the appropriate lecture hall and I fell asleep for 40 minutes. After my little nap, myself and the people i hang around with in college decided to go to the canteen (the usual place we hang out if we have to wait around for a lecture). It was there i realised how tired and drunk i still was and that i could sense a hangover kicking in. I also stank of stale alcohol and i must of looked like a right state. So instead of hanging around and further embarrasing myself in front of my group of friends, I picked up my bag and got the hell out of there, made no goodbyes, I wasnt really in the mood for another joke about the mental state i was in .

Hmmmm.......I think i should of stayed in last night.....